Boys are Gross

Boys are gross!  I have experienced a lot of disgusting things in my parenting career.  I’m not sure if it’s because I have 3 boys or if all kids are just inherently gross.  I have been peed on, vomited on, and even pooped on.  Speaking of poop…one of my children took off his dirty diaper during nap time and decided to finger paint with its contents.  I am talking Sistine Chapel type of artwork.  Although that day was pretty traumatic; today is going down in the record books.  It is a day that many years of counseling, hypnosis, and shock therapy will not erase from my memory.

Before I get to the day’s event that has left me without an appetite, let me also add that I am easily grossed out.  Once or twice it has been noted that I may be a germophobe.  The most common question heard by my children (and husband) is “did you wash your hands?”.  This is not an exaggeration and I am not ashamed.

Let me set the stage.  It is a beautiful Sunday evening and all of our windows are open.  Birds are chirping and a soft breeze is carrying the smell of lavender and orange blossoms.  Life couldn’t get any better at this point.  Unfortunately, it could get worse.  The littlest member of our family is playing on the patio with his trucks.  I can hear him making his way to the side of the house.  I know there isn’t much he can get into so I am not concerned.  Plus he is the 3rd so let’s be honest; I am not hovering if you catch my drift.  At the moment I was looking up recipes for dinner.  Although I hear him enter the house I don’t look up right away.  This is when the background music changes to something dreadful.  A dark cloud settles above us and I am pretty sure I hear a wolf howling in the background.  Things are about to go sideways.

I don’t even know how to type this without freaking out.  As I have said, I have never been more grossed out!  Ok, I am just going to say it…

I look up and my beautiful toddler is carrying a RAT!!!!  A DISGUSTING DEAD RAT…IN OUR HOUSE!!!  Oh, my good Lord!  I can’t even….

I didn’t know what to say or do so I just start yelling.  Not words, just random noises.  There is no way that I want to touch this creature but my son’s grasp on it has to be released somehow.  So I grab his wrist which I still feel is too close to the carcass but I am trying to be a good(ish) mom.  I start shaking his wrist hoping he will release it but he does not.  Nope, he grabs it in the other hand to which I scream more unintelligible words.  Now I grab that wrist and same thing.  Rinse and repeat.  I cannot be sure exactly how long this went on but it felt like 43 minutes.  I finally get him to let go of the literal death grip he has on this rat and it falls to the floor.  INSIDE OUR HOUSE!  I am losing my $H*T over here!

I am still holding his wrists because my child likes to put his hands in his mouth and this is already way too much.  If he even comes close to putting his hand near his mouth you might as well fit me for my white strappy jacket now.  Where the freak is my husband?!  I know he can hear these noises that are coming from the bottom of my soul.  He finally emerges, discards the rat and goes about his day like we aren’t in the middle of Armageddon.  What is going on right now?!  Ok back to business I need to stay focused on my task so I don’t have a meltdown.

I wash the hands of the tiny vile human at least 7 times.  I also mopped the floor at ground zero.  After that, I still had the heebie-jeebies so there is only one thing I could do.  This called for a bath in 3 parts bleach, 6 parts Lysol, 1 part muriatic acid, and some holy water.  I am sure he will be fine once the redness subsides.  My scars, however, go much deeper and will never heal.

Don’t let this face fool you. He’s gross!

So that is the story.  This will be the breaking point that my family talks about in hushed voices.  “What happened to Aunt Zoe?  She used to be so fun and full of life.  Now she doesn’t speak.”  The elders will look around to make sure no one is listening and reply, “Oh, you must not know the story of the rat of 2018…”

I know you are thinking that I must live is squalor if we just carry around rats instead of Tonka Trucks so let me just clear this up for you.  We are one step above squalor and live in destitution, thank you very much!  Ok, really we live by a large creek, many fruit trees and at least 1 meth lab so I am pretty sure that is the cause of these invaders.  The problem is we have pest control but there is only so much they can do since they live outside.  I guess I am moving out.  House for sale: all furniture, appliances and children are included.