Grief Is A Stalker

Today I was standing in the greeting card aisle buying my mom a birthday card. I picked up that first one to see if it would meet my requirements for an amazing card. It has to have a touching message that relates to the relationship we share, it has to have the correct holiday on it (only slightly important) and it has to have ZERO glitter. I was expecting that this would be an easy task to mark off my list of things to accomplish.  What I wasn’t expecting was that I would start sobbing like a crazy woman. Yet there I was, tears all the way down my neck. Why can’t I have that pretty movie star cry? The single tear that wins Oscars and hearts. Nope, I have the snot cry that makes people run away from me so that I don’t contaminate them. Sorry if you have been a victim of this…I really didn’t mean it! So why did I start crying randomly while buying a greeting card? Because grief is a Stalker!

Until now I have never experience the loss of someone I loved so much. It is horrible, it is ugly and it has a depth that is unfathomable. For 106 days I have been stalked by grief. I could be having a great day playing outside with my littlest guy and the Stalker will show up to remind me that our loved one isn’t there to enjoy these times with us. Sometimes these visits from the Stalker are brief and sometimes this unwanted guest will not leave. It will feel as though something just under the surface is wrong and I cannot put my finger on it. It takes me a couple of days to realize that the Stalker has been lurking in the distance waiting for an upcoming holiday to arrive.

With this loss also comes a feeling of guilt. When I was crying in the store I wanted to call my husband and sisters to unload the heaviness that my heart was carrying. I needed to talk to someone that would understand why I couldn’t read the cards in front of me. However, I’m not sure what I would have even said if I had made that phone call. The reason I didn’t make that phone call had nothing to do with them not being able to understand me since I was sobbing. It was solely because guilt was holding me back. Whenever I am sensing that the Stalker is lurking in the shadows and I want to talk to someone, I usually don’t. I think to myself what if they are having a great day and my call brings them down. What if they are having a moment of reprieve from their own Stalker and I call to burden them with mine? I also think about how I only had an amazing 10 years with this person and they had their whole lives. Surely my grief is nothing compared to what they are going through. I feel silly when I cry and they are able to hold it together. Let me clarify that they never EVER would make me feel this way. This is my issue and I own it. I am not sure if I will ever be able to get a restraining order for this Stalker. My understanding is that grief is elusive and will most likely stick around for a very long time. It is possible that the visits will become less frequent over the years but it will still be there hiding in the shadows, surfacing on holidays and lurking near the greeting cards. I will meet this Stalker, face to face, and cry to cleanse my heart. I might also treat him to my snotty ugly cry because I am a giver.